top of page

BASEBALL GAME SUMMARY OF GOSHEN GOLDEN CALVES VS, EGYPTIAN GOLDEN MUMMIES

In the midst of the Passover Seder as we go through the Four Cups of Redemption, there’s a pretty striking portion that we may miss a deeper meaning on if we aren’t watching and reading Scripture in its proper context. The problem, though, with reading what amounts to be the entirety of the first 12 or so chapters of Exodus (especially when it goes through the 10 Plagues that befell Egypt) is that most would think of the material as being a lot to read and understand. So let’s say I’ve been thinking about taking a unique take on the story of Pesach/Passover/Exodus (taking a lot of dramatic license to do it, of course--so please bear with me on this) in a little better way to translate into our modern-day venacular...Here’s the best I could come up with for now. Imagine if you will hearing THIS broadcast on your radio or watching this on your TV and see what you might think:

“...And welcome to AmeriTrade Park in Memphis, Egypt with tonight’s broadcast of our game between Pharoah’s Golden Mummies of Egypt and the Goshen Golden Calves. Hello, everybody--I’m Cory Van Doozy with your play-by-play call joined tonight by color analyst Mark Waffleberg. A lot’s on the line for both teams tonight--with the members of the Golden Mummies not only playing for national pride, but for cheap labor and the threat of a death penalty from Pharoah himself if they lose. As for the Golden Calves, if they win tonight’s game, they not only win their freedom from slavery from Egypt, but also centuries worth of back wages to boot. Let’s go right to the field for the playing of the National Anthems of both teams--first the Israeli national anthem of “Hatikvah”...”

(After the anthem plays--) The Golden Mummies, meanwhile, have opted NOT to play a national anthem at all--for they feel that Pharoah is his OWN national anthem all by himself. Instead, we’ll go straight to the game’s first pitch brought to you by First Incompetence Bank where “...we don’t know where your money is--and furthermore, we don’t care anyway!” The pitch to the catcher from Pharoah himself is wide and high to the outside--but nonetheless it’s a pitch. The head umpire shouts, “PLAY BALL!” as both teams head to their respective dugouts to start the game. The Golden Mummies will be the home team in tonight’s contest while the Golden Calves will bat first for Mo and Aaron and the children of Israel...

The Golden Calves and the children of Israel come at a slight disadvantage to the heavy-handed bats and pitching arms of the Golden Mummies--so it may literally take more than a few miracles to win tonight’s game and, ergo, their freedom. Pharoah himself, meanwhile, is well-known here in the majors for his irascible temper and impatience for anyone who might stand in their way. We’re expecting a sellout crowd here in Ameritrade (as socially distanced as is possible, of course) to see what could either be a massacre and slaughter OR in contrast a very well-fought and played game that truly is one of extremely high stakes on both sides.  Tonight’s pre-game show is brought to you by Mo and Aaron’s Divine Pest Control--”...We deliver Divine results.” It’s the Golden Calves of Goshen vs. the Golden Mummies of Egypt coming up here at AmeriTrade. We’ll start tonight’s action with the lineups and the keys to the game after these messages. You’re listening to the BSPOP E-Newsletter Radio Network…”

(NOW--ALLOW US TO JUMP TO THE POST-GAME SUMMARY...I PROMISE YOU...THIS WILL BE FUN….)

“...Thank you for staying with us for what was a very surprising and dramatic baseball game indeed that will go into the annals of baseball history indeed as the Golden Calves of Goshen pull out a win in extra innings over the Golden Mummies of Egypt and win their freedom and back wages. To say that we’re still in shock over what happened would be a massive understatement. Here’s Mark for the post-game recap summary…”

“...Cory, it truly was a game for the recordbooks indeed--and one that I don’t think will ever happen again. Now, it didn’t exactly start that way for the Golden Calves--but lots of Divine intervention was truly THE major key above all else in the Golden Calves’ triumph over the Golden Mummies. The first two innings were pretty much a dud for the Golden Calves as--despite Mo and Aaron’s best offensive attempts at Pharoah in first turning their rod into a snake in the first inning, then in the second blood--Pharoah’s magicians (also known as their infielders) met Mo and Aaron’s efforts toe to toe in the first two frames and shut down the Rams’ offense ice-cold with two back-to-back three-up, three-down innings. Pharoah’s bats were also able to pick away at the Rams’ defense with one run in the first and another in the second to make the score after the end of two Golden Mummies 2, Golden Calves 0.

The Calves tried a change of tactics in the top of the third--this time by introducing frogs to their offense. They almost succeeded in getting additional men to the bases--but with a cry of “Tomorrow!” Pharoah once again shuts down the Golden Calves’ bats and leaves them holding the bag with a two-run Golden Mummies lead after two and a half. (As for the frogs, no confirmed word yet as to whether or not Pharoah will have to sleep in the bed at home tonight with said frogs….) In the bottom of the inning, though, Mo and Aaron manage to throw a curveball or two into the proceedings through the introduction of a plague of gnats to Egypt that quickly earns the respect of even the Egyptian magicians’ bats. But Pharoah still remains unimpressed and his bats do still manage somehow with two outs to add two more runs to his total now making the score Golden Mummies 4, Golden Calves 1.

In the top of the 4th, though, we do see some things finally begin to change for the Calves. The Calves’ bats come alive after Mo and Aaron on their God’s behalf threaten Pharoah with unexpected major fly infestation all throughout Egypt. The split screens tell the story here--TONS of fly balls (literally--I actually mean this...ACTUAL baseballs with FLIES covering all over them) not only throughout the whole ballpark, but also throughout Egypt as well. But in Goshen--it’s quieter than a church mouse there.

Mo and Aaron’s squad take advantage of the sudden fly ball opportunities to send baserunners to the corners and steal bases any chance they might get. This unusual strategy does help the Golden Calves tie up the score at 4 as a result of three stolen bases coming from the Calves’ baserunners as the Golden Mummies’ infielders were distracted by the fly infestation that couldn’t be otherwise taken care of by flyswatters or insect spray.  We finally get to see a kink in Pharoah’s armor when we suggests that Israel do their sacrifices in the land of Egypt. But after Mo and Aaron point out cultural differences and the need to get out of town, Pharoah finally relents a bit enough to ask Mo and Aaron to perform fly ball removal.  But even after the flies are gone, Pharoah still holds the line defensively and keeps the game tied at four going into the 5th.

The fifth frame at first starts in similar fashion to the 4th, but with livestock disease instead of fly balls being the plague d’jour of the game. The texts on the cell phones of the managers (even Pharoah’s as well) were popping up all over the place from ranchers and the USDA complaining of sudden outbreaks of mad-cow disease, colic, and other potentially fatal devastating livestock conditions all over Egypt. But in Goshen, once again the land there goes scot-free. Despite this setback, Pharoah and the Golden Mummies still manage to hold the line defensively through the bottom of the inning to maintain the 4-4 tie.

Then the call from the Lord comes to Mo and Aaron in the dugout in the 6th inning to take soot from the ballpark heating system and toss it in the air. As the two obey the Lord’s command, a sudden rash of injuries amongst Pharoah’s outfielders caused by boils downs them for the rest of the game. Both centerfield and rightfield will require substitutions as the EMTs rush on the field to assess their injuries. They’re immediately followed by the magicians in the infield who can’t do diddly-squat either. At least two or more of Pharoah’s star players are sidelined for the rest of the game. Mo and Aaron take advantage of yet another sudden turn of events via single-shot homers--one by the DH to rightfield and by the catcher to center. (Replay track--”...And it’s going towards the wall in center--ADIOS, BASEBALL, GOODBYE!!”) The Golden Calves break the tie and take the lead at 6-4 with six innings in the books.

Mo and Aaron tell Pharoah at the start of the 7th of all the hail and thunderstorms coming his way if he continues his insane hardheartedness and refusal of the Almighty’s demands. Some of Pharoah’s own officials at the sound of this start heading for the hills. But Pharoah stubbornly decides to keep playing on. In the middle of the batter’s count with two outs at the top of the 7th, massive hail and thunderstorms spread all throughout the ballpark and also Egypt. At the sight of these storms and sound of hail while the pitcher pitches low and inside for a full count, the umpires call time and stop play for a rain delay. After a delay that lasted for about an hour, the Golden Calves’ relief pitcher sends a blazing fastball to strike the batter out as the players head to the dugout for the seventh-inning stretch with the 6-4 lead still in the Calves’ hands. But in the bottom of the 7th, Pharoah hardens his heart again and responds with a two-run RBI with bases loaded to send the score back to a 6-6 tie. This game summary at the seventh-inning stretch is brought to you by Shoot Yourself In The Foot Orthopedic Clinic. If your seventh-inning stretch isn’t what it ought to be, then go check out the friendly folks at Shoot Yourself In The Foot to scope out what’s wrong and get you back on your feet again…

After all the firepower displayed by the bats on both sides in the 7th, it was up to each team’s relief pitchers to snuff out the fires and keep their respective teams in the hunt for the win. With locusts coming from all sides from the pitcher’s mound, the relief pitchers were finally successful in producing three-up, three-down innings with pitches that surprized batters on both sides and subsequently continuing that 6-6 tie into the 9th.

As the final frame of regulation starts, the DH for Mo and Aaron accidentally hits a foul ball into the grandstands which knocks out a crucial transformer device that not only blacks out power throughout Ameritrade, but also throughout the rest of Egypt as well. After electric company technicians spend an hour’s game delay trying to restore power, Pharoah’s team shows signs of tiredness as Pharoah starts to give an offer for a face-saving Golden Mummies game forfeit. But Mo and Aaron respond to Pharoah--”NO DICE--not a hoof shall be left behind!” The stalemate continues as we now go into extra innings still tied at 6…

Pharoah’s firstborn son takes the mound in relief for the Golden Mummies at the top of the 10th against the Golden Calves and immediately walks his first three batters--all with full counts. You can see the strain truly showing on Pharoah’s son as both Pharoah and the Golden Mummies catcher both approach Pharoah’s son for a quick conference on the mound. Meanwhile, Mo and Aaron decide after a call from the Lord to send a pitchhitter named the Angel of Death to the plate. Here’s how that final at bat went...play the tape!!!

(Replay:) “...The Angel of Death had a superb hitting record in the minors, but this is his first ever appearance in the big leagues...so anything can happen here…

“...The conference on the mound breaks up--and Pharoah’s son sets up for his first pitch to the Angel--a strike down the middle, 0-1...The Angel sets up for a bunt, but bunts it foul for an 0-2 count. Pharoah’s son delivers a wide and outside pitch to make it 1-2. Pharoah’s son steadies himself as the Angel sets up to bat again. Another fastball left and inside, but misses--2 and 2. Time’s running out for the Angel….He finds a ball he likes, but hits it behind the screen--the count still remains at 2-2...Pharoah’s son walks around the mound and spits, then goes to the rubber for the next pitch as the Angel hits a fly ball that drifts into rightfield and goes foul.….still 2-2...Pharoah's son seems to be missing some firepower to his stuff...curveball goes low and in dirt...catcher hangs on to it, but now faces a full count...

And now, the set, the pitch--Angel gets a good one to sail the distance to centerfield as the base runners start running....the ball sails into the warning track....As the centerfielder jumps high to the fence, the ball stays up….IT’S GOING, GOING---ADIOS, BASEBALL, BYE-BYE...IT’S GONE AND IT’S HISTORY!! AND WHAT’S THIS???? Pharoah’s son himself as he watches the ball clear the fence suddenly collapses on the mound as the Angel of Death hits a four-RBI grand-slam, bases-clearing, walk-off home run in his very first major-league appearance to win the game in extra innings for Mo and Aaron and the children of Israel!!!

But the celebration on the Golden Mummies side of the field is much more subdued as Pharoah tends to his collapsed son on the field. You can see him literally mouthing the words, “YOU KILLED MY BOY!”, towards the Golden Calves dugout and especially towards Mo and Aaron. This has GOT to hurt Pharoah now regardless of what you might otherwise think!!! The EMTs are heading towards the pitcher’s mound right now....We’re getting something from our reporter in the Golden Calves’ dugout...Tom, what are you seeing?”

“Cory,--we just got an unconfirmed report that Pharoah’s son may have just instantly died of unexpected cardiac arrest. Details are still a little sketchy right now--but you can clearly see at a closeup angle that Pharoah is now truly upset and distraught about something...and it’s NOT just the fact that the Golden Mummies just lost a tough game in extra innings. We’re going to try to confirm that report for you...Back to you, Cory, in the booth…”

“Thanks, Tom….UNBELIEVABLE, isn’t it? In what was his FIRST major league at bat, the Angel of Death, as a PITCHHITTER, no less...not only hits a grand-slam base-clearing home run with bases loaded in extra innings, but also winning the game, freedom from slavery, and over 400 years of back wages due to the Israelites with a long-sailing shot to centerfield....WOW--I’ve never seen anything like this in my whole life…” (End replay)

As the EMTs continue to tend to Pharoah and his son with all quiet on the field, we’ll take an extended break for station ID and messages from our sponsors as we pull together the totals and stats to what was truly the most remarkable baseball game I’ve every seen in my life...The final score from here at Ameritrade Ballpark in Memphis, Egypt: the Goshen Golden Calves--10; the Golden Mummies of Egypt--6 in 10 innings!! What a game...what a game indeed!! That’s your tale of the tape for tonight’s game...stay tuned for the post-game show brought to you by Mo and Aaron’s Divine Pest Control--”We deliver Divine results…’--coming to you after this extended break for station ID and messages right here on the BSPOP E-Newsletter Radio Network!!!”

(END DRAMATIC PRESENTATION!)

PART I can be found here at http://coyrhseatcbspm.wixsite.com/walking/2020-fall-newsletter-part-i ...

PART II at http://coyrhseatcbspm.wixsite.com/walking/2020-fall-newsletter-part-2

Collage Message-- http://coyrhseatcbspm.wixsite.com/walking/men-s-walk-103-collage-message ...

Game Summary-- http://coyrhseatcbspm.wixsite.com/golden-calves-golden-mummies-game-s ...

bottom of page